God I hate cliches. They are so, I don’t know– cliched?
As I try to reshape my life into something that makes me happy in every possible way I keep running into these obstacles. Hurts. They are old ones– from a time before I was who I am now. Unfortunately they linger. Maybe because they have helped shape who I am now.
Let’s visit a few of them.
1) I have an attraction to some male person. He ALWAYS liked one or another of my friends. While this wasn’t necessarily their fault, there were several occasions when it could have been handled better than it was. One friend just didn’t care. She generally ended up going out with the guy. I have actually gotten over that. What I haven’t gotten over is the feeling that I’m mostly being “tolerated” or “humored” because others want to spend time with a friend of mine and many times we are a package deal.
2) I swear I have a compulsive fear of being talked about behind my back. If it’s “behind my back,” you say, then would you really know and why do you care? Perhaps it’s irrational. However, in the wonderful world of cell phones we have people who text each other across a dinner table. It makes you wonder what it is they have to say to each other that can’t be said to everyone at the table and why it can’t wait until later.
3) Trust issues. Yes, I have them. I know. Who doesn’t? Every time I think I’ve topped this hurdle it flies up and hits me in the face. I’ve been cheated, been mistreated (thanks Linda Ronstadt for covering that for me!) and I’ve been lied to. A LOT. It’s a constant battle for me to remember that not everyone I meet is a sadist who is completely devoid of moral character. It just so happens that I attract those kind of people like manure attracts flies.
More about the cliches. “Heal the hurt.” “Get past it.” “Move on.” “Learn to love yourself.” It makes me want to gag. How in the world am I expected to heal a wound that is so deep that it has grown great big, gnarly roots in my soul? Is there medication for this? How should I keep it from rearing its ugly head when I am confronted with a situation nearly identical to the one that caused the pain to begin with?
I seriously am NOT bitter. I just have these nagging few things that still bother me even though the pain should be long past its expiration date. The truth is that wounded hearts take an incredibly long time to heal and there is no expiration date on pain.