I’ve been deluding myself for awhile now. Somewhere over the last few months I have managed to convince myself that I was capable of attracting a man. Let’s take a moment for everyone to snort. Done? Okay, moving on.
A while back a person of the male persuasion expressed an interest in me. I won’t lie. It was nice. I’d been divorced for over 2 years and really hadn’t bothered with dating. He seemed like a nice enough guy– the kind who likes children and puppies. I won’t bore you with the gory details of what happened between us. Suffice it to say that he just wasn’t that into me.
However, for some stupid and God-only-knows-why reason, I kept talking to him and in the process convinced myself that maybe I could attract someone. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. This is the moment when I take a break from writing to hit my head against a brick wall.
It would seem I have learned nothing from past experience. I contemplate a tattoo on my wrist that says “no man has ever really wanted you and no man ever will” just so I don’t forget this fact again.
“Back up the train,” you say. “You were married. You dated in the past.” Yep, I did. It was just that those guys used me for what they conveniently needed at the time. Sex? Yes. Money? Possibly. I know one just wanted a girlfriend with a good job and once he found a girl with a better job than the one I had he was gone. I’m pretty sure my husband married me because both of his parents had died, his sister had moved away and he didn’t want to be alone.
I check myself out in the mirror. Shiny hair. Good teeth. Wait, this isn’t the American Kennel Club, but maybe it should be because I’m obviously a dog. No man ever looks at me or expresses any kind of interest in me. It’s abundantly clear that I am hideous in some way. Whether it’s outside or inside, I don’t know. I’ve tried fixing both parts of me, but nothing changes.
Okay. I’m done with the pity party.
No, I don’t need a man to complete me or validate me, but I’m lonely and sad because I have no one to talk to or share with. And I have no one to hold me when the going gets rough.
It’s been really rough lately.