It’s your big sister. There doesn’t seem to be much point in writing to you since you’ve been gone for 10 years now, but I’m going to anyway.
You see, I’m all about making 2011 a better year in my life. I’ve set a monster list of goals to achieve and one of them is to forgive myself for things I’ve done wrong whether they were really wrong or only imagined.
This is where you come in. For the last 10 years I really haven’t been able to forgive myself for not being able to convince you that I would have made a great sister.
I know that you didn’t want to talk to me– to get to know me. I think that was unfair on your part. There were rough places in both our lives. Yes, I got adopted by a wonderful family, but you got to keep your mom. No one gave you away.
Maybe you were worried that I would somehow take her away from you, but you shouldn’t have been. She was only the vessel that gave me life. My mother is the woman who has loved me and supported me for 42 years.
Then, before I could let you know that I loved you just because you were my sister and we shared the same blood, you were gone. In a heartbeat, you were gone. 23 is too young to die. It was too soon for your sweet baby girl to lose her mama. And it was much too soon for me to lose the sister I had never met.
It is so hard to forgive myself for not trying harder to get you to talk to me, to listen to all the reasons I wanted to have you in my life. But I can do that now. Time has passed and I realize that as much as I wanted you to hear me, you might never have come around.