Nothing Is Sacred

Becky's Take on Life, Love, Motherhood and Other Random Stuff

Dear Victoria January 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Becky @ 2:05 pm

It’s your big sister. There doesn’t seem to be much point in writing to you since you’ve been gone for 10 years now, but I’m going to anyway.

You see, I’m all about making 2011 a better year in my life. I’ve set a monster list of goals to achieve and one of them is to forgive myself for things I’ve done wrong whether they were really wrong or only imagined.

This is where you come in. For the last 10 years I really haven’t been able to forgive myself for not being able to convince you that I would have made a great sister.

I know that you didn’t want to talk to me– to get to know me. I think that was unfair on your part. There were rough places in both our lives. Yes, I got adopted by a wonderful family, but you got to keep your mom. No one gave you away.

Maybe you were worried that I would somehow take her away from you, but you shouldn’t have been. She was only the vessel that gave me life. My mother is the woman who has loved me and supported me for 42 years.

Then, before I could let you know that I loved you just because you were my sister and we shared the same blood, you were gone. In a heartbeat, you were gone. 23 is too young to die. It was too soon for your sweet baby girl to lose her mama. And it was much too soon for me to lose the sister I had never met.

It is so hard to forgive myself for not trying harder to get you to talk to me, to listen to all the reasons I wanted to have you in my life. But I can do that now. Time has passed and I realize that as much as I wanted you to hear me, you might never have come around.

 

Baby Steps January 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Becky @ 2:09 pm

The problem I have with losing weight is that I want it to all disappear, oh, say in about a week’s time. I can do anything for a week, right? It’s after the first week that I start to fail miserably. It is that way with most of the things in my life that I want to change. The reality is that this journey is going to take much longer than a week. I’m going have to learn patience and perseverance if I want to succeed at anything. The ADD isn’t on my side in that respect, but I’m working on it, honestly I am.

In regards to the weight loss, I’m following the 4 Hour Body plan. Check out the book by Tim Ferriss. It’s exactly what I need with my sugar/insulin issues. I like what I’m eating. The food is relatively easy to prepare. It’s just not chocolate chip cookies. *sigh*

The good Dr. Oz (or his organization, more specifically) offered a free bracelet awhile back that says “Just 10.” It’s a reminder that even losing just 10 lbs. can be beneficial to your health. I popped it on when I started this journey and now when I am tempted to stray from the path of diet righteousness I just look down and my wrist and remember why I am doing this.

Something else I wanted to do better in 2011 was parenting. I wanted to spend more time with  my kids and I wanted that time to be quality time. That is also an excellent reminder for me to get the weight off and keep it off. Being healthy means I have more energy to spend on them. What better reason could there be?

I also want to be a better writer and a more prolific writer. Doing that, I have discovered means writing something every day. Whether it be a blog post, an article or working on my children’s book, if I don’t write it, it will never happen.

What I’m learning is that you don’t eat the whole sandwich/cake/pizza in one bite. You take small bites and chew slowly and eventually you get it all down. So I will continue taking it one day at a time and being proud of each day’s accomplishments because it is the little things that make a difference.

 

Thanks Asshats! January 6, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Becky @ 1:49 pm

Today’s exercise in change: self-examination of why I can’t stand to be in the same room with myself.

I’ve already done a brief sketch of my mother and her “helpful” suggestions. My ex referred to her as the Diet Nazi. And he only knew her for the 16 years we were together. I had a whole 26 years of experience with her before I ever met him. I have never been what one would refer to as “skinny.” Even to call me “thin” might be stretching it, but I am 5’11” for Pete’s sake. Since I refuse to give up food entirely or stick my finger down my throat after every meal I’m never going to be supermodel skinny, but I digress.

Once upon a time when I was much thinner than I am now, (read that as before children!) I had a few dates. One or two might have actually qualified as boyfriends. It was hard to tell between all the backhanded compliments that were thrown my way. Here’s a random sampling for your consideration:

“You are going to be so beautiful when you are done losing weight.”

“You would be so beautiful if you would just lose some weight.”

“If you and I stay together you will lose some weight because we will start hiking.”

“Well, I like you, but my buddy and I think that [insert name of my best friend here] is better looking.”

Are you seeing a trend here? There are more, but that would just be overkill. Yes, apparently I attract asshats like manure attracts flies.

According to at least one person, the only reason any man would ever go out with me would be because I would have sex with them. (Believe me I wasn’t getting *that* lucky) It certainly wouldn’t be for my beauty, charming wit or sparkling personality because I lacked those in abundance. Yes, another asshat.

I just want to give a big shout-out to the asshats of the world. I want to thank you for reducing me down to what I truly am– an imperfect human in a world that values perfection of body over all other characteristics. It doesn’t matter that none of you were Mr. America– at least 2 of you were chubby with thinning hair– that didn’t matter to me. I liked you. It only matters that you made me feel inferior. It doesn’t matter that I am intelligent, witty and occasionally fun to be around. It only matters that I wasn’t a size 6.

And so asshats, I bid adieu to all of the horrible things that you made me feel about myself. I will no longer fall into a pit of self-loathing when I remember what you said to me because I know now that I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.